It’s funny how people need different things at times…
Not sure about this holiday… It’s feeling a little forced this year, as in I’m forcing myself to be happy, even though I’m not really feeling it. Oh well, I’ll make nice and go through the motions for everyone else, but it might be difficult.
On the plus side I went snowboarding for the second time in my life yesterday and I didn’t manage to injure myself or anyone else, which in my mind is a pretty good accomplishment. The day started a little off as two of the three other people in my car had a transit problem and we had to divert to go pick them up, although after everyone was in the car we started making our way to Cypress Mountain. The roads for the most part were pretty clear, even though it had been snowing all night, it wasn’t that bad to get around in. There were a few hills that required me to move a little faster than everyone else, but my car made it like a champ.
I had originally thought I was going to hit the snowshoeing area and take some pictures, but once we got up the mountain I didn’t think the weather was going to be very cooperative with that plan, so I said “What the hell, I’ll give snowboarding a go!”. Course it wasn’t with that much enthusiasm, but I was pretty happy to be heading out with K, B and M and since I wasn’t the only complete beginner I had good company to laugh at my efforts.
The board was a rental and while it wasn’t the greatest on the planet it wouldn’t matter to me as I had no idea what was good or bad. The whole time I was getting my kit together from the various counters I was constantly hopping someone wouldn’t recognize my complete lack of skills or knowledge of the terminology and kick me off the mountain. Would it matter that I didn’t know what I was doing? Would I injure myself or hurt someone else? All of these thoughts were coursing through my brain as I kitted up and was becoming more and more nervous about getting on the board and in turn getting on the lift then mountain.
Luckily for me I went with a bunch of Aussies, I’m constantly ribbed by these guys, but in reality they’re dead helpful and made me feel like I could do it with little or no trouble. Kudos to B and K for helping me get over my fear of flying down the mountain uncontrollably and not being able to stop. The advice I was given was to stand like a monkey with a beach ball between my legs. At first I laughed, and the serious look on the face of the person giving the advice made me change my tune. I listened and paid attention to what the others were doing and did what I always do, figured out the mechanics.
The first run was a test of agility, strength and humour as I barrelled down the hill. This was the bunny run, or the smallest shortest run of the mountain. I managed to stay upright and stop without doing a face plant, which I was told is a great sign since I’ve only been boarding once before and that was more than two years ago.
The following runs became easier and easier to the point at the end of the morning I was doing pretty well without falling too many times. Of course after lunch and a few beers it went a bit pear shaped, and I wasn’t able to do the same things I was able to do prior to lunch and beer.
All in all I think I’ve decided if I go again I’ll remain sober for the duration and have as much fun as possible. Since I had no fear on the slopes I was able to have a pretty good time, and I just might go again sometime soon!
I’m surprised I woke up as early as I did this morning… I was up and ready to go by 5:00 AM? What the hell, 5:00 AM is not a time I need to worry about for at least another year. Something must be wrong with me, besides the obvious things, here I am up at the crack of doom. Not only that but I had really crazy dreams last night as well. They included people from my past, present and I can only assume my future, moving furniture and cake. Throw all that together in one alcohol soaked brain and what you get is some seriously messed up dreams.
The sad part is I don’t really have anyone here that I could talk to about the dreams. Or to be more specific I don’t have anyone here who has the history to understand the comments about the people from my past which was the weirdest part of the dream.
Oh yeah on a really great note I have to buy new tires today, which is an expense I was not looking forward to having at this time of year. At least most of my shopping is done… Doesn’t make it any better that I have to buy tires, but at least I knew it was coming. I just hoped I could have done it in the new year rather than now.
It’s not that I don’t like the holidays, in fact in a way I kinda enjoy finding gifts and spending time with people and all that jazz… I guess it’s just a block I have against this time of year… Maybe S has it right, just spend time at home doing all the things you wouldn’t normally have time to do, like painting one’s kitchen.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Oh the ringing in my ears, the slight after taste of beer when I burp, the vein in my forehead seems to be getting larger and my eyeballs are showing me my pulse. A small price to pay for the excellent concert last night!
Franz Ferdinand was awesome! The band is tight, the songs were a good mix of new and old and the venue was incredible. We called on Monday to reserve seats, we already had tickets, but there’s an option at the Commodore Ballroom to reserve a table on the mezzanine level, which has a bar, servers and food. It was a great idea and our seats couldn’t have been better. We were center room overlooking the entire crowd with an unobstructed view of the band.
The Commodore is an old venue from the 30’s that has been kept in pretty good condition over the years. It appears to be an old ballroom, dance floor in the middle, bandstand in front and seating all around the room.
All in all, excellent venue and an excellent band!
I went swimming tonight at a friends place. It’s the first time I’ve been in the water since I went to Hawaii with S. I realized over the last few months I’ve been getting more and more uptight. I couldn’t put my finger on it until tonight while I was swimming laps. I’ve been missing the water.
When I was growing up I swam a the pool across the street, it was comical really I feel like I spent more time there than anywhere else during the season. I found peace in the pool, the repetition of the stroke, the breathing, the turns and most important the singular motion needed to stay floating and alive.
It’s amazing how good I feel after that swim tonight, mentally not physically… Right now it feels like my shoulder is on fire, but I have a clarity I’ve not had in a long while. It constantly amazes me when I remember to do the simple things and how good it feels to do something like that. The simplicity of swimming… I’ll have to find a way to thank K & B for letting me borrow their pool.
IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB … (NOT AT HOME)
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
MIXED DRINKS – NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
WINE – (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… and you’re in.
SPIRITS SUCH AS CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in!
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait……
SPIRITS SUCH AS JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work
out how to get you to bed!
IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into
RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He’s gay (blatantly) – don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
Thanks to wherever this came from, it made my day…
1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.
2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.
3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson”
are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.
4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.
5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.
6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.
7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.
8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.
9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.
10. Remember that English high school teacher you and your pals used to call “Mr. McTightass?” You are so starting to remind me of him.
11. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.
12. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?
13. Churchill and FDR got drunk, Hitler didn’t. So what are you, some kind of Nazi?
14. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a goddamn squirrel?
15. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.
16. Your friends might have a good time without you.
17. The Man says you shouldn’t and you don’t want to upset the Man, eh slavebot?
18. There is a 1000 percent better chance you will land a starring role in the upcoming Paris Hilton video Vegas Orgy.
19. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.
20. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.
21. That feisty barmaid might finally, you know, pick up on what you’re laying down.
22. Listen, are we down on this goddamn rock to have a good time or watch other people have a good time on TV?
23. Your girlfriend has rented a bunch of chick flicks you can snuggle to.
24. You’re under a lot of stress and if you don’t get crazy drunk you might do something crazy sober.
25. You gotta figure the odds of getting thrown in the drunk tank twice in one month are practically negligible.
26. If you don’t hunt the booze, the booze will surely hunt you.
27. When you write your memoirs you won’t have to go through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures.
28. Al-Qaeda forbids drinking and since when did you start taking orders from Al-Qaeda?
29. Let’s face it: modern life is a shit storm and booze is the only umbrella without any holes in it.
30. 7-11 nachos with extra cheese substitute and chili only taste good when you can’t remember eating them.
31. You did your goddamn monkey dance for the Man and now you get your monkey treat.
32. God hates the sight of you.
33. God won’t stop staring at you.
34. Your boss gets all weirded out when you get drunk during the day.
35. Three Stooges episodes you’ve watched a hundred times are suddenly hilarious again.
36. The day will come when you will have to single-handedly face death, and there isn’t a person alive who can tell you what will happen next.
37. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.
38. When your coworkers ask “What did you get up to last night?” you can smile all cool like and say “Maaaaaan, you don’t wanna know,” instead of chirping “I alphabetized my DVD collection and found out I have two copies of The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Two!”
39. Remember your childhood dream of meeting a brewery heiress and jet-setting around the world on her dime? You think that’s going to happen while sitting in your goddamn apartment watching Captain Picard surrender the Enterprise for the tenth straight episode?
40. It’s so much easier to ring up those old flames and explain exactly where they went wrong.
—Frank Kelly Rich