The Bro Code

1) You must always have your bro’s back. No exceptions.

2) When your bro’s girlfriend inquires about his whereabouts you know nothing, always.

3) You are only obligated to wingman for one bro per social event, after that the bro is on his own.

4) When a bro designates you as his wingman, you may not fail him. This is the most important role a bro may play for a bro, and may not be violated or debauched.

5) You must always do whatever is in your power to stop a bro from soiling himself with a poor looking girl. Unless the bro is able to stand up, look you in the eye, and articulate that he is to a decent extent sober. Then you are absolved of any responsibility.

6) When a bro pays for all the alcohol for an occasion himself, this must be made known to all present and made out to be the greatest feat ever observed in human history. A bro may skip out on kicking in for beer if he has done this recently.

7) A bro must always respect another bro’s car, house, and parents.

8) Love thy father and mother. A bro will never ever get with a bro’s biological mother or sister. Step sisters and mothers are fair game.

9) When a bro is showing his bro’s his new ride, he is always required to open the hood and showcase the contents. All bros present are required to admire the content, even if they know nothing about cars.

10) When a bro asks a bro what he thinks of his girlfriend or date, a bro is always required to give an honest answer. The phrase, “I’d bang her” is off limits.

11) A bro will never ever leave his bros without a ride. A bro may never be allowed to walk alone more than 2 blocks.

12) A bro will never ask for gas money for a ride unless he truly is hard up, or the ride exceeds the distance of 20 miles.

13) When gas money for a ride is offered, it may be accepted. Use your own bro-judgment to determine if you should accept.

14) A bro shall never make another bro ashamed for hooking up with a girl. Even if she was truly nasty, a bro will make excuses for his bro. Example, “you were drunk so…”

15) If a bro is terrible at sports, excuses may be made, no matter how bad they are. Good bros will start to play worse so that their bro doesn’t look so bad.

16) A bro will never make another bro look bad in front of a target girl. The wingman should swiftly punish any such attempts. Afterwards the bro who infringed upon this rule may be confronted by the whole circle of bros.

17) A bro will always ask around before taking the last of anything. If a bro should ask you if its alright, unless the need is great or direct ownership is applied, you will let him have it. Common courtesy and the bro code go hand in hand.

18) A chick may be included in the bro code if she has proven herself worthy via general bro concession.

19) A chick may never be informed of the sacred rules of the bro code. A chick may be treated as a bro but never told of the rules. When reprimanding a girl for an infringement of the bro code, say “its just common courtesy.”

20) A bro will never let another bro drive drunk. Space must always be found or made for a drunk bro who needs to leave. If necessary, the theft of phone and keys shall be done for his own good. (exception: a designated group drunk driver exists, this bro has mastered the art of driving under the influence and has proven his worth)

21) A bro will never allow another bro to drunk dial or txt a girl. No exceptions to this rule. When a bro is truly smashed and his girl calls, the phone will be confiscated until a sober state of mind is achieved.

22) If a bro’s girlfriend calls you and asks about a bros actions the previous night, (I.e. the bro claimed to be sleeping at a friend’s house) you will always claim that yes he was there and you may even claim he is still there. Studies show that 8 out of 10 bros will do this without thinking. The other 2 bros claimed he was still with them but unavailable to talk.

23) You will always make excuses for a bros actions, no matter how obscene. All things done by a drunk bro must be forgiven. No exceptions.

24) A bro should always be allowed to make amends for his actions.

25) A bro will always give his bro’s girl a ride to wherever, so long as restitutions are made for the action.

26) A bro will never give detail when describing a sexual encounter. Doing so will force your bro to imagine you naked and this is unforgivable.

27) A bro will always do his best to help another bro’s self esteem. The Alpha-Bro should always be handing out the wisdom and power of his skill. A bro will always recognize the master seducer of the group.

28) A bro should never ever under any circumstances sleep with a bro’s ex-girlfriend. A bro may proceed to make moves on another bro’s failed target (he got rejected) but only after asking permission first. If the bro declines your invitation to bust some moves, you must adhere to his wishes and find a new target.

29) If permission for rule 28 has been given by a bro, and success is evident for yourself. One must always put it down to it being the girl’s preference and not due to your superior abilities. If a bro proceeds to become butt-hurt about your success where he failed, you are under no obligations to make him feel better or apologize for your success.

30) A bro will always take care of a bro who is blacked out, throwing up, and incase parents or girlfriend call. If a bro’s parents demand he comes home immediately, one will immediately allow him to use a shower and whatever else is necessary to make sure a bro receives no enemy fire on the home front.

31) A bro will always tell a bro what he did when he was blacked out. No matter how bad.

32) A bro must always maintain a safe physical distance from a bro’s girl, especially when drinking. Physical contact may only be made with a bro’s girl, when saying good bye. No exceptions.

33) A bro will always do his best to stop a bro from getting tattoos. A bro’s skin is the largest organ he has and the second most important. Especially if the tattoo is of a girl. Chicks will dump you and play with your heart, but a bro will protect you like his own private parts.

34) When a promise is made, it shall be kept. And under no circumstances shall it be broken.

35) The way of the bro is sacred, cherish it like a sect or cult. The bro life is like being in Jedi training camp. You must always show your bro love and be joyous when bro love is shown to you.

36) Bro-mance is allowed but only among your tightest bros. Never take your bro-mance too far. And if anyone should remark negatively upon your bro-mance. An immediate beat down should ensue. Should a girl comment negatively upon the bro-mance, kindly explain to her that she will never know love from a man such as you and your bros share. And let her know what a privilege it is to be a mere witness to your glory.

37) The fist bump is a bro’s greatest weapon aside from the bro code itself. It should be used to show support, acceptance, pride, and it is an all around green light for an action that was committed. Use the fist bump often, and show constant appreciation for your bro’s jokes and skills with it.

38) Corollary to rule 37, the denial of a bro’s fist bump is a terribly powerful slap in the face. To deny a fist bump is no light thing, and should only be done when there is very great disapproval of an action.

39) Never refer to a bro by his last name, this is a sign of disrespect. Always refer to a bro by their name, nickname, or any standard bro word.

40) Standard bro names include but are not limited to; bro, dude, man, and anything with bro in it. (example: broham.)

41) Always respect a bro’s viewpoints about anything from politics to cars to religion. The only time a bro’s views do not matter is when they conflict with the bro code. If such a case should happen, the bro should be immediately evicted from the bro circle, until correctional actions have been made.

42) A bro should always treat for food when a bro is broke. Signs that a bro is broke are phrases like, “I’d rather eat at home”, “I’m not hungry”, “I just ate”, and finally “I’m trying to save money so ill eat at home.”

43) Similar to rule 42, when discussing the purchase of party beverages, if a bro declines to offer money. The other bros should cover for him. No bro should be denied thirst quenching goodness just because it’s a tight week or month.

44) A good bro will always encourage his bros to be an Alpha-Bro when it comes to talking to girls. If necessary demonstrations of your prowess may be made to give your bros something to work with.

45) A bro is only allowed to do really stupid things when he is really drunk. A bro may be denied further access to alcohol when it is obvious he has drunk too much already.

46) All things must be forgiven among bros, with the exception being your drunk bro feels up your girlfriend. This allows for an immediate punch to the face, but only after all other bros have been told and are gathered to watch the punishment. Before the blow is delivered, your drunk bro must have the situation explained to him. Because he is drunk, he will probably agree that he needs to be punched.

47) Under no circumstances should a bro ever be hit in the genitals for any reason. EVER!

48) You should only ever make fun of a bro for minor things that don’t affect their physical attributes. Example, dam man you got really goofy shoes.  The exception is for something that doesn’t exist, example; making fun of your friend for having man-boobs when he clearly doesn’t.

49) The only time that cockblocking is condoned by the bro code is when the designated cockblocker (aka the bombardier) has viable reasons to stop a bro from hooking up with a girl.

50) The Golden bro rule that everyone knows, Bros over hoes. This rule may be seasoned to taste by the bros themselves. Example; Bros over hoes except at the close. This rule of the bro code is what sets the male gender apart from the female gender. It is the very essence of the bro code, and embodies the true awesomeness that is bro love.

A great list…

If you want to enrage a conservative, I suggest saying the following:

1. A Socialist wrote the Pledge of Allegiance.
2. Jesus healed the sick and helped the poor, for free. […]
6. The Founding Fathers were liberals.
7. Fascism is a right-wing trait. […]
10. Reagan raised taxes eleven times as President.
11. Reagan legalized abortion as Governor of California.
12. Nixon created the Environmental Protection Agency.
13. Ronald Reagan supported gun control. […]
24. Hate is not a Christian virtue. […]
26. Republicans spend MORE money than Democrats. […]
29. The Constitution is the law, NOT the Bible.
30. Sharia law doesn’t exist in America.
31. The President is NOT a Muslim.
32. Corporations are NOT people. People are people.
33. Fox News isn’t real news, it’s just a racist, sexist, hateful, right-wing propaganda machine.
34. The Federal Reserve was a Republican idea.
35. Women are equal citizens who deserve equal rights. […]
37. Abortion is a relevant medical procedure, just ask Rick Santorum.
38. Please use spell check.
39. It’s “pundit”, not “pundint”.
40. Social Security is solvent through 2038. […]
42. Roe v. Wade was a bipartisan ruling made by a conservative leaning Supreme Court. […]
45. Barack Obama ordered the killing of Osama Bin Laden. It took him two and half years to do what Bush couldn’t do in eight. […]
47. 9/11 happened on George W. Bush’s watch, therefore he did NOT keep America safe. […]
49. Separation of church and state is in the Constitution, it’s called the First Amendment.
50. Muslims are protected by the Constitution, just as much as Christians. […]
53. America is a nation of immigrants, therefore we are all anchor babies.
54. The white race isn’t disappearing, it’s evolving. […]
56. Evolution is real.
57. The Earth is 4.54 billion years old, not 6,000.
58. The Founding Fathers did not free the slaves.
59. The Revolution was NOT fought over slavery.
60. Paul Revere warned the Americans, NOT the British.
61. Federal law trumps state law.
62. The Civil War was about slavery, NOT state’s rights.
63. Corporations care more about profits than they do about people.
64. Getting out of a recession requires government spending.
65. Glenn Beck is a nut-job. […]
67. Republicans don’t want to pay for your birth control, but they want you to pay for their Viagra.
68. Republicans actually NEED Viagra.
69. Fox News is owned by an Australian and has a Saudi prince as an investor.
70. Republicans complain about immigrants taking American jobs, then freely give American jobs to foreigners overseas. […]
72. Labor unions built this country. […]
77. Republicans only care about children BEFORE they are born. […]
82. Churches should stay out of politics, or be taxed. […]
88. The current corporate tax rate is the lowest in 60 years, so stop whining about it being too high. […]
98. Republicans say teachers are union thugs, then proceed to rape and mug the entire middle class on behalf of corporations.
99. Republicans think rape isn’t a crime, but miscarriages are.
[…]

Bottom line? If you want to anger a conservative, tell them the truth.

Again…

I’ve applied for more than 300 jobs in the last year and I’ve interviewed for about 25 of those I’ve applied for and I thought I would share my favorite excuses for why they don’t want to hire me.

  1. We can’t afford you (And yet they don’t even offer me a salary so how do they know they can’t afford me)

  2. You have too much experience (Gee thanks, that’s awful nice of you to say that, but hire me anyways)

  3. You bounce between employers too often (usually this comes when I am trying to win a contract position)

  4. You don’t have a college degree (This is almost always coupled with number 2, which always makes me laugh my ass off when they pull this one out.

  5. You’ve lived overseas…  (I don’t even know why this is an excuse, but it makes me laugh when I see it)

A list… (It’s been a while since I’ve posted one)

Things northerners should know when moving to the south…

1.    Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2.    If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3.    Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.    If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5.    Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.    Do not buy food at the movie store.
7.    If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8.    Remember: "Y’all" is singular. "All y’all" is plural. "All y’all’s" is plural possessive.
9.    There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10.    Get used to hearing, "You ain’t from around here, are you?"
11.    People walk slower here.
12.    Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
13.    The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol’," as in "big ol’ truck" or "big ol’ boy".. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14.    The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.    Be advised: The "He needed killin’" defense is valid here.
16.    If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17.    If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y’all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18.    Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19.    Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20.    The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21.    If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
22.    Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23.    In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," "Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
24.    As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
25.    You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

The Facts Of Life

Life is not fair.
No one is exempt from death.
Physics rules the universe and biology rules life.
The universe does not care.
The only constant in life is change.
There is always a choice.
Wishing never makes it so.
A person can’t exceed their limits.
A person is responsible for their own happiness.
It is impossible to change the character of another.

notes on guys

1.    Not all of us like sports. We just pretend to to seem more manly.
2.    We secretly memorize everything you wear.
3.    Don’t tell us to tell you if you look bad. Just… stop. We won’t. Ever. Under no circumstances.
4.    Likewise, we’ll never tell you when you’re wrong. Couches aren’t comfortable, for this is our destination when we tell you you’re wrong, especially that happy little time that comes about once a month.
5.    Not all guys are afraid of commitment.
6.    Likewise, not all guys want to take advantage of you so please, for the love of god, get over your “I hate men” bitching.
7.    There are things we don’t want you to do. We’ll never tell you.
8.    We really do think you’re cute when you’re tired.
9.    But you’re never cute when you’re mad at us. Never.
10.    Honestly, we really do think all girls are uglier than you. It’s how our brains work. So quit asking.
11.    Don’t ever come over and not want to cuddle or kiss.
12.    We secretly wish that you’d pick us over your friends, and when you don’t we’re secretly bummed.
13.    Muscle-y women are gross, disgusting, and all together vile. No cushion for the pushin’? Get out!
14.    Sometimes the only things that motivate us to even try at all in school are our wonderful girlfriends.
15.    We hate when you go on vacation without us and leave us all alone!
16.    Really, we hate when you do anything without us. (but we’ll never tell!)
17.    We hate the roads conversations take when you girls utter the words “I’m fine, I guess.”
18.    Oh, and we hate it when we can’t cheer you up. Throw us a bone, for goodness sake!
19.    We say you don’t need to dress up for us or wear makeup for us… but we sure would like you too!
20.    Never roll your eyes at us.
21.    We’re not kidding when we say we’ll trash any guy that looks at you.
a.    *And if any guy puts his arm around you that’s not my clone or me in a mirror, his head will emblazon the pike in my front yard.
22.    Whisper in our ear!
23.    Come behind US and hug us. It doesn’t always have to be us that does that to you!
24.    Tell us when we smell, please. We can’t tell and our guy friends don’t realize it.
25.    However, we’ll never tell you if you smell. See above.
a.    *But please don’t smell, we have this concept in our mind that girls are supposed to smell like flowers and sunshine.  Don’t shatter our concepts!
26.    When your boyfriend is a nerd, the least you can do is pretend to listen to him when he attempts to tell a funny story about his guild in World of Warcraft, or attempts to explain the physics of a tachyon.
27.    Oh, and nerds really are better lovers.

Top 10 reasons beer is better than religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
6. When you have Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to make them drink it.
5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of Beer.
4. You don’t have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can’t lie to you.
2. If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
1. You can prove you have a Beer.

Yet another list

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

People & Their Drinks

IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB … (NOT AT HOME)

BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

MIXED DRINKS – NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.

WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.

WINE – (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… and you’re in.

SPIRITS SUCH AS CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in!

CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait……

SPIRITS SUCH AS JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work
out how to get you to bed!

IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

CIDER
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

IMPORTED BEER
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

WINE
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

PORT
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

WHISKY/JACK DANIELS
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

JIM BEAM
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into
getting laid.

RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He’s gay (blatantly) – don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

 

Thanks to wherever this came from, it made my day…

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There’s only 40?

1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will. image

2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.

3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson”            
are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry. 

4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.

5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.

6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.

7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.

8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.

9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.

10. Remember that English high school teacher you and your pals used to call “Mr. McTightass?” You are so starting to remind me of him.

11. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.

12. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant  speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?

13. Churchill and FDR got drunk, Hitler didn’t. So what are you, some kind of Nazi?

14. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a goddamn squirrel?

15. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.

16. Your friends might have a good time without you.

17. The Man says you shouldn’t and you don’t want to upset the Man, eh slavebot?

18. There is a 1000 percent better chance you will land a starring role in the upcoming Paris Hilton video Vegas Orgy.

19. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.

20. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.

21. That feisty barmaid might finally, you know, pick up on what you’re laying down.

22. Listen, are we down on this goddamn rock to have a good time or watch other people have a good time on TV?

23. Your girlfriend has rented a bunch of chick flicks you can snuggle to.

24. You’re under a lot of stress and if you don’t get crazy drunk you might do something crazy sober.

25.  You gotta figure the odds of getting thrown in the drunk tank twice in one month are practically negligible.

26.  If you don’t hunt the booze, the booze will surely hunt you.

27. When you write your memoirs you won’t have to go through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures.

28. Al-Qaeda forbids drinking and since when did you start taking orders from Al-Qaeda?

29.  Let’s face it: modern life is a shit storm and booze is the only umbrella without any holes in it.

30. 7-11 nachos with extra cheese substitute and chili only taste good when you can’t remember eating them.

31.  You did your goddamn monkey dance for the Man and now you get your monkey treat.

32.  God hates the sight of you.

33.  God won’t stop staring at you.

34.  Your boss gets all weirded out when you get drunk during the day.

35. Three Stooges episodes you’ve watched a hundred times are suddenly hilarious again.

36. The day will come when you will have to single-handedly face death, and there isn’t a person alive who can tell you what will happen next.

37. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.

38. When your coworkers ask “What did you get up to last night?” you can smile all cool like and say “Maaaaaan, you don’t wanna know,” instead of chirping “I alphabetized my DVD collection and found out I have two copies of The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Two!”

39. Remember your childhood dream of meeting a brewery heiress and jet-setting around the world on her dime? You think that’s going to happen while sitting in your goddamn apartment watching Captain Picard surrender the Enterprise for the tenth straight episode?

40. It’s so much easier to ring up those old flames and explain exactly where they went wrong.

 

—Frank Kelly Rich